Wolverine's Literary Lament
by RavenMerc
Summary: Wolverine's mad as heck and he's not going to take it anymore.


Wolverine's Literary Lament  
  
  
  
Author: RavenMerc  
  
  
  
Series: X-Men Movieverse  
  
  
  
Timeline: Not long after 'Argument Clinic (of a Sort)'  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing. I don't own me, I don't own Wolvie (pity, too) or any of the discussed stories. They belong to others including, but not limited to, Fox, Marvel and Stan Lee. I also do not own Monty Python, wik or wik out den Holie Gräilen, Simon & Simon or Farscape, as people far more talented (with much better lawyers) than I do. So there.  
  
  
  
Secondary Disclaimer: The views expressed in the following fic…well, yeah, they're mine. Deal with it or don't. But remember: they're opinions.  
  
  
  
Author's note: Please let me know what you think. (And a big thank you to those who did for the 'Clinic'!) Constructive criticism is welcome. Fames will be used for a weenie roast. (Hmm…I wonder what parts of the cow they're using to make those…) Also, asterisks on either side of a word (ex: *thud*) denote a sound and underscoring (ex: _ack_) denotes emphasis.  
  
  
  
Summary: Wolverine's mad as heck and not going to take it anymore.  
  
  
  
Classification: Humor  
  
  
  
Rating: PG-13 for squicky ideas and language (Yeah, yeah, there's *is* a story here somewhere.)  
  
  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
  
  
Logan: Hey, darlin', you there?  
  
  
  
Author: Wha..? Oh, geeze. If it's four am, it must be Wolverine. Gah! Come back later. _Much_ later.  
  
  
  
Logan: Sorry 'bout that, but I thought I'd get back to ya while the herd was still out plottin' against each other.  
  
  
  
Author: Plotting against each other? But I thought it was just the…  
  
  
  
Logan: Just the women plottin' against the men? *chuckle*   
  
Don't look so startled, darlin'. It's hard to keep a secret from a guy with my hearin' when they insist on talkin' and gigglin' about it. To be fair, the guys are also plottin' against the women. I figure on just stayin' out of the whole thing and lettin' them all have their fun.  
  
  
  
Author: And so you're back here bothering me, why?  
  
  
  
Logan: You got ADD or alzheimers, darlin'? We talked about this before the herd showed up and trampled through here. I want some revenge of my own, but not against the X-Men. I want it against them writers.  
  
  
  
Author: The 'Mary-Sue' writers?  
  
  
  
Logan: Nope. The ones that keep makin' me into some kinda pervert.  
  
  
  
Author: And the 'Mary-Sue' writers aren't doing that?  
  
  
  
Logan: Not as often as those, wadda call 'em, 'shipper writers. Most of 'em keep havin' me fall in love an' have sex with Marie! She's just a kid, for God's sake, and one I feel responsible for at that. It's just sick.  
  
  
  
Author: But you're not really related to her, so what's the big deal?  
  
  
  
Logan: Not bein' related don't matter. It's the whole adult-kid dynamics and trust thing. Kids trust the adults who look after 'em to keep 'em safe, not to screw 'em… literally. It just ain't right. There's a whole lotta laws against what those women got me doin' in their stories.  
  
  
  
Author: Agreed. I sometimes wonder why I seem to be the only one who thinks that those who write or read 'Simon & Simon' slash fic have real issues.  
  
  
  
Logan: Simon & Simon slash fic? What the hell's that?  
  
  
  
Author: Stories about a show that had two brothers as the main characters.  
  
  
  
Logan: _Brothers?!_ And I though the stories that had me an' Scooter goin' at it were disgustin'. Somethin's gotta be done.  
  
  
  
Author: Sorry, but it's all covered under the first amendment, freedom of speech and so forth.  
  
  
  
Logan: Don't we get a say in it? After all, we're the ones bein' libeled.  
  
  
  
Author: But you're just a character, not a person, so no rights for you. Unless you count the copyright laws.  
  
  
  
Logan: Copyright laws? How're they getting' around that?  
  
Author: The fair usage clause. That's why all the disclaimers, like the one above that says 'I don't own them, Stan Lee, Marvel & Fox all do.' And the most important part, 'please don't sue me, I don't have any money,' thereby hoping that if someone does have an issue, hopefully they'd just send a cease & desist letter through some corporate sharks rather than a court hearing date.  
  
  
  
Logan: Oh. How 'bout if I make up some o' them cease and desist letters and send 'em to those writers. Think they' leave me alone then?  
  
  
  
Author: You'd have to send it to _all_ the writers then, not just the ones you don't like.  
  
  
  
Logan: All of 'em? But I don't want to stop some of 'em. I like the ones where I get Jeannie for a bit. One Eye hate's 'em, mind you, but that's his problem. I think he's getting' worried 'cause they always have Jeannie preferrin' sex with me rather than him.  
  
  
  
Can't say I mind the some of the other sex ones; the ones you call PWPs. The one's with 'Ro I kinda wonder about though. I mean 'Ro's this calm, beautiful, classy lady, even if her accent wanders more'n I do. I've heard some talk about how she use ta be a thief and all, but I wouldn't think that anyone who's worked that hard to change that much, would want to drag themselves back down by sleeping with someone like me. I think that there are some things that are a little too earthy for her, if ya get my drift.  
  
  
  
Not too fond of the ones where they put me on a guilt trip, but it's closer to the truth than ninety percent of the rest of 'em. What I really like are the straight adventure ones where I get to kick someone's ass best. Unfortunately there don't seem to be too many o' those.  
  
  
  
Author: Why don't you just tell them? I mean, when I want to write you show up and basically do whatever you want anyway, so why not do it to them?  
  
  
  
Logan: Don't ya think I _tried?_ Every time I tell 'em 'no, that's not what I'd do,' they just ignore me and write whatever garbage comes to their little minds. It's like they don't even hear me.  
  
  
  
Author: Really? Lucky girls…er I mean, how terrible!  
  
  
  
Did you make sure you had their attention first?  
  
  
  
Logan: First? Yeah. Unfortunately, they seem to have the attention span of three day old road kill.  
  
  
  
Author: Yuck. I really didn't need the visual for that.  
  
  
  
Maybe if they were a captive audience you could get the point across. Uhh…forget I said that.  
  
  
  
Wolverine? _Yo, Wolvie!_ Front and center!  
  
  
  
Logan: Yeah, darlin', what is it?  
  
  
  
Author: You're not going to do anything, um, illegal are you?  
  
  
  
Logan: Darlin', I'm just a fictional character. How can anything I do be illegal?  
  
  
  
Author: I could tell you, but then this site would get shut down.   
  
  
  
Um, where was I? Oh right! Oh, frell. Forget I said anything. Don't do anything rash. Please?  
  
  
  
Logan: Don't worry about it. I think I'll just go and see how the grand schemes are going with the others. You go back to yer writin.'  
  
  
  
Author: In the immortal words of Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo, 'oooh…shit!' 


End file.
